How to be terrible, when you’re two.

I remember thinking, when Austin was going through the “Terrible Two’s”, that his tantrums were baaaaad. But hindsight is a wonderful thing and actually, he was an angel, only having about 3 tantrums in total. And those 3 together weren’t a patch on a single one of his little sister’s..!

Elodie turned two in March and she has been tantruming (not a word but using it anyway) since about March. Last Year.

She’s taking tantrums to a level I have not experienced before and, word on the street is, she’s not as bad as other two years olds I have heard about..!

Here’s how Elodie survives a typical two year old’s day…

1. Dress up as Jessie the Cowgirl (of Toy Story fame) at all times when inside your own house.

Cute. When things are going their way.

2. Accessorise Jessie outfit with old, cheesy, cuddly bunny; Jessie the Cowgirl doll (a.k.a. Little Jessie), bunny slippers and red Minnie Mouse handbag.

3. Demand Toy Story 3 is on the TV whenever you are wearing Jessie outfit.

4. If it is gently suggested you wear another outfit (Cinderella/Witch/Buzz Lightyear), respond with a constant repetition of “NO, NO, NO, NO” until the offender retracts their suggestion and dresses you as Jessie.

5. Keep everyone on their toes by changing your mind and demanding to dress as Batman. Wear Batman costume for a maximum of 1 minute, then demand to wear Jessie outfit.

6. Only allow photos to be taken of you in Selfie mode.

7. No matter what the weather, insist on wearing boots (Wellington) at all times when outside.

8. Do not let Daddy interact with you unless Mummy is not in the house. If Daddy attempts to interact with you and you suspect Mummy is in the house, call “Mommy” (in a fake American accent) at the top of your voice, until you are absolutely certain that she is not in the vicinity.

9. When you notice Mummy has returned, start crying immediately and act as though you’ve been tortured. Even if Mummy says she has sneakily been watching you play happily for the last 5 minutes. KEEP CRYING. Ignore Daddy.

10. If it all gets too much for you, decide you don’t want to talk anymore and spend the day nodding or shaking your head. Do not speak. If Mummy and Daddy do not understand what you want, scream. But definitely DO NOT speak. Head movements only.

11. When drawing with crayons, eat them.

12. When asked if you’re eating crayons, deny it.  Even if you have a crayon in your mouth and crayon smudged around your mouth. DENY IT.

13. When Mummy tries to clean your face with a baby wipe, scream.

14. When Nanny tries to clean your face with a baby wipe, smile sweetly.

15. Under no circumstances allow anybody to cut your nails. If necessary, scream until you make yourself sick and/or give yourself a nosebleed.

16. When your brother has his nails cut, say “My turn! My turn!” and then hit Mummy – ideally in the face – when she comes near you with the intention of any form of manicure.

17. If Mummy ties your hair in a ponytail, scream.

18. If Mummy ties your hair in bunches, scream until you make yourself sick.

19. When Mummy dresses you, let her know that the whatever outfit she has chosen, is not good enough. Unless the outfit is Jessie costume, then ensure you have all the relevant accessories.

Wearing a Superhero t-shirt to a Superhero birthday party is UNACCEPTABLE.

20. Just when everyone is getting used to your new identity as Jessie and your love for Toy Story 3. Decide you prefer Frozen and spend the day making everybody call you Elsa; your brother, Kristoff and Mummy, Olaf. Mummy must also hold a toy carrot up to her nose and say she likes warm hugs. Obviously.

 

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